Well yesterday I went and did testing for becoming a special constable. I have been ill with some kind of virus or bacterial infection for the last week or so. I went four days ago and saw a doctor and was put on some badass antibiotic. I feel not so great and the pills zap all your energy, plus I have been getting headaches too. Not the best way to go into this testing.
I am very confident that I passed the written portion without much trouble. I did the best I could with how I was feeling. Seven sections all timed to be no more than 6 minutes each. The written portion I thought was a bit weird but I did what was asked of me. I would have thought to be a special constable that report writing was more applicable than writing an essay on how I would spend a million dollars, but hey what do I know.
The physical was what I was worried about. Under normal circumstances I know I could smoke it but feeling like this, I was worried. I am happy to report however, that I passed.
Here is what we had to do:
Push ups- I did more than required (38) push ups, chin must touch the mat, no stopping or pausing, thumbs under the shoulders so they touch each rep.
Flexibility- stretch as far as you can for a score, x cm past the toes earned you x points. I got 44cm for a score of 9.
Curl ups- timed to a metronome, slow, fingers must stay on the ground and touch the board at the same time. Two warnings and you're out. I hit 40 for a score of 18.
The dreaded shuttle run- Did I mention I hate running. Thankfully I did almost perfect on the other tests so I only needed to get 3.5 for a score of 80% above standard. I did it but man was I feeling dizzy going in and coming out of it. For a few minutes I thought I might either pass out or vomit. Not a nice feeling. Good thing I passed or I would have felt even worse.
There were 8 of us, only 4 of us passed I think. I know 3 of us for sure and 3 for sure that did not.
So big breath and woohoo I made it through. Now time to find some work. The biggest challenge yet. I am hopeful that I may be able to get on at the court house or for prisoner transport. Perhaps a good paying security job. Cross your fingers folks.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Onward
I haven't blogged in a pretty long time. Aside from working a ton and doing things with my boys life goes on. I have been on winter break from work for a month now and feel like I have no time and haven't accomplished a whole lot.
I am just about ready to give up on finding a job with the ministry. However I have opened myself to new options. I will be taking the ATS test for special constables in January. I am sure that will go very well. It could help to push me ahead and hopefully get in at the ministry. There are so many of us out there and not very many jobs open right now. It sucks. So I continue to work for a private company and work as a security guard as well.
So as I prep for the physical part of this test I have looked at where I am right now. Over the summer I haven't worked out very much, though my job keeps me moving. During this time I haven't really gained any weight (thank god) and I can deal with what I have, I also haven't really lost much muscle tone either. So win-win there. I know I can pass this test no problem.
38 push ups; 50 curl ups; flexibility test and the beep test. The beep test is the only one I am dreading. I hate running, unless someone or thing is chasing me! Even then I think I would rather stand and fight! So back to circuit training I go. I have done this test for school and passed then so I am sure I will again. Back then I was not in the shape that I am now.
This test will also allow me to try to get a job at the court house or as a security guard working for good money and possibly benefits. I need to make decent money, after all I am raising two boys. It would be nice to work just one or two jobs part time, or one good one full time. Working as many hours as I have been totally sucks!
So wish me luck.
Friday, November 16, 2007
The One
I will know he is the one when I look into his eyes. For they will be open to me and there I will find hope and trust again.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
In Your Eyes
I wish that for a moment I could look through your eyes. To see what it is you perceive when you look at me. Is it remotely the same as what I view when I gaze into the mirror? What fantasies would you show me if I could get behind your eyes.
Self esteem is such a bitter sweet wikked little thing for some of us. It can be a positive and uplifting sense of self, it can be so-so sort of half way between, or it can beat you down to the depths of despair.
Pause for a moment and think about what you see when you look at your reflection. What looks back you? Is it any ting at all like what I see when I look at you?
WARNING: This is about to get very personal so if that makes you squeamish, go no further reading this.
As I peer at myself in that full length mirror stuck to the back of the door, I scrutinize from head to toe the image staring back at me. This is what I see...
My hair is a little lighter than what God gave me, but hey it works. I like it though I wish I hadn't cut it off about a year and a half ago. I like it even though some days it just won't co-operate. My gaze shifts to my face and all the features there upon it. I think "Hmmm waxing those 'Brook Shields' like eyebrows has been both good and bad." On one hand it has opened up my eyes more but the up keep sucks. Even so they are ok.My peepers themselves I can say I really love. That really is saying something because they are one of the few things I can say I wouldn't ever want to change. They are unique and change a little from day to day. My nose is a nose, nothing special except only to me because well it is how I smell everything (though sometimes I wish that was optional!) My lips come next, can't say I would alter those if I had the choice. I am happy with them and I think they are happy with me. My chin is a chin, we all have one. My skin however is another story. It fits over my body like a glove, blankets me with warmth and safety. Yet it is cruel at the same time. The color and tone is good, its me, but the blemishes, the broken capillaries make me want to cry. Since when does a woman my age have skin like this? Breakouts from stress make me feel lumpier than the Elephant Man, the redness is like a neon sign blinking "Look at me!", its just gross. Many days go by where I wish I could put a bag over my head. My pores in spots are too big and need that shrink ray from 'Honey I Shrunk the Kids'. Wrinkles are ok, they don't bother me. Most of them are from laughing, yes even the ones around my eyes. I have earned them and I have grown fond of them. My skin stabs at my self worth, slashing gaping holes deep into it. Now my face as a whole I think is quite plain. I don't think I'm pretty at all, not ugly either, just ok, non-descript except on days I feel ghoulish (which seems to be more frequently lately- damn skin).
So on I move before I get too down hearted...
My shoulders have good shape, though my shoulder caps need some work. My arms I like, actually I am quite proud of them (except those triceps that need to to with the program). My hands are fine except the have been abused by my work and look older than they are. My back I can't see really, but the parts I can see are just fine, nothing mind blowing. My chest well ugg! Pre-children it was ok, now however another knife slashing great deep wounds in my self worth. My chest is not womanly, with the exception of a great selection of bras that I own. The thought of being nekkid in front of someone leaves me feeling sick. Enough said! My abs are hiding under a layer of fat. Really its not that bad, I have just been a little lax in my workouts so things are a little soft, but then again women should be soft right. No I don't think I'm fat or anything like that nor do I want that ripped six pack look, so all in all I am alright with my abs. I guess next would be my rear end. Its good, I have worked hard to get it to where it is, which I think is above average. My legs hmmm. Too short, my thighs are a little bigger than what I would like. Having said that however, with the work I do the muscle I have developed is necessary so its all good, it just makes buying pants a little harder. Ok now again the damn skin screws things up. Little bumps here and there, spider veins from being pregnant, my legs are whiter than white and my arms are well tanned. Sometimes I look and think holy crap that's not cellulite is it!! But no it isn't just tricks of the light playing on my so far from perfect skin.
Now its safe to say I picked my title perfectly- Plain Jane Strikes Again indeed works and fits like a glove.
I wish that I could look through your eyes to see what you see when you look at me. To see truly what you see, yes I could just ask but you may just tell me what you think I want to hear. You may just want to spare my feelings and tell little whites lies. So yes I really do wish I could climb in there and see what you see. I want to know what I appear to be in your eyes.
Self esteem is such a bitter sweet wikked little thing for some of us. It can be a positive and uplifting sense of self, it can be so-so sort of half way between, or it can beat you down to the depths of despair.
Pause for a moment and think about what you see when you look at your reflection. What looks back you? Is it any ting at all like what I see when I look at you?
WARNING: This is about to get very personal so if that makes you squeamish, go no further reading this.
As I peer at myself in that full length mirror stuck to the back of the door, I scrutinize from head to toe the image staring back at me. This is what I see...
My hair is a little lighter than what God gave me, but hey it works. I like it though I wish I hadn't cut it off about a year and a half ago. I like it even though some days it just won't co-operate. My gaze shifts to my face and all the features there upon it. I think "Hmmm waxing those 'Brook Shields' like eyebrows has been both good and bad." On one hand it has opened up my eyes more but the up keep sucks. Even so they are ok.My peepers themselves I can say I really love. That really is saying something because they are one of the few things I can say I wouldn't ever want to change. They are unique and change a little from day to day. My nose is a nose, nothing special except only to me because well it is how I smell everything (though sometimes I wish that was optional!) My lips come next, can't say I would alter those if I had the choice. I am happy with them and I think they are happy with me. My chin is a chin, we all have one. My skin however is another story. It fits over my body like a glove, blankets me with warmth and safety. Yet it is cruel at the same time. The color and tone is good, its me, but the blemishes, the broken capillaries make me want to cry. Since when does a woman my age have skin like this? Breakouts from stress make me feel lumpier than the Elephant Man, the redness is like a neon sign blinking "Look at me!", its just gross. Many days go by where I wish I could put a bag over my head. My pores in spots are too big and need that shrink ray from 'Honey I Shrunk the Kids'. Wrinkles are ok, they don't bother me. Most of them are from laughing, yes even the ones around my eyes. I have earned them and I have grown fond of them. My skin stabs at my self worth, slashing gaping holes deep into it. Now my face as a whole I think is quite plain. I don't think I'm pretty at all, not ugly either, just ok, non-descript except on days I feel ghoulish (which seems to be more frequently lately- damn skin).
So on I move before I get too down hearted...
My shoulders have good shape, though my shoulder caps need some work. My arms I like, actually I am quite proud of them (except those triceps that need to to with the program). My hands are fine except the have been abused by my work and look older than they are. My back I can't see really, but the parts I can see are just fine, nothing mind blowing. My chest well ugg! Pre-children it was ok, now however another knife slashing great deep wounds in my self worth. My chest is not womanly, with the exception of a great selection of bras that I own. The thought of being nekkid in front of someone leaves me feeling sick. Enough said! My abs are hiding under a layer of fat. Really its not that bad, I have just been a little lax in my workouts so things are a little soft, but then again women should be soft right. No I don't think I'm fat or anything like that nor do I want that ripped six pack look, so all in all I am alright with my abs. I guess next would be my rear end. Its good, I have worked hard to get it to where it is, which I think is above average. My legs hmmm. Too short, my thighs are a little bigger than what I would like. Having said that however, with the work I do the muscle I have developed is necessary so its all good, it just makes buying pants a little harder. Ok now again the damn skin screws things up. Little bumps here and there, spider veins from being pregnant, my legs are whiter than white and my arms are well tanned. Sometimes I look and think holy crap that's not cellulite is it!! But no it isn't just tricks of the light playing on my so far from perfect skin.
Now its safe to say I picked my title perfectly- Plain Jane Strikes Again indeed works and fits like a glove.
I wish that I could look through your eyes to see what you see when you look at me. To see truly what you see, yes I could just ask but you may just tell me what you think I want to hear. You may just want to spare my feelings and tell little whites lies. So yes I really do wish I could climb in there and see what you see. I want to know what I appear to be in your eyes.
Monday, June 11, 2007
I hope you Dance
I happen to be lucky enough to work and be around a lot of different people. In all different walks of life and of all different ages, I hear a lot of things. One thing that I seem to hear quite a bit about is the differences between the genders. Each one is like a different species to the other. Each one seems to have a different language. Our differences attract the other and yet seem to be so confusing. We have fears in relating with each other and seem to view or assume things about one another. Yet the goal is to be able to make a sweet song that allows us to dance together, to float through life on the melodies within our souls.
I can not count how often I hear men and women who are single ask how they are to approach one another, how to talk to one another. Seems like a ridiculous thing because you would think it would be simple. Yet there seems to be a wall that is so solid however invisible it is. You see someone of the opposite sex that caches your eye from across the room, and the thought of approaching that persons scares the daylights out of you. Why is that and what finally gives you the courage to walk over there and say anything?
I know that we are afraid of rejection and afraid of hurt, maybe also the fear of the unknown stops us. I think, however, that in so many ways were are really the same or at the very least are searching for the same things. Ideally that is. I think that many of us just want to find someone that will be there, someone that wants to be with us, to listen, to talk, heck just to lay with. We need to feel close to another person, to have a bond with someone. We want someone to walk through life with all its sorrows, trials and joys with, to share the great times and to share the burdens.
Sure our ideas on things may be a little different, and our interests may be very different in some respects, but really the things we want and need really are not that far off. Don't our differences make us unique, special and so very interesting. Think about this... After the initial attraction to someone what holds your interest and desire of that person? I know for me it is that persons mind and most importantly their heart. The little things strike me to the core. Things that I may describe as sweet or may make me look a little differently at things. Our differences make others think about things and help them to see things from a different angle. How boring would life be if we all had the same views and thoughts and feelings on things. We should celebrate our differences and not be so fearful of the rejection of other people.
As far as how to approach someone that makes you do that double take, well I hear so often that people just don't know what to say. What about a smile and a warm hello. How hard is it really to talk to one another. I understand the whole giddiness that we feel when you see someone that tickles your fancy, but really if you don't talk to them then you will always wonder. Fear rules so much of our lives, sometimes with good reason, but more often than not the reasons are just things we have invented to avoid having the confidence in ourselves, or to step out of the comfy cocoon we have wrapped ourselves in. You know that person won't bite and hey if they do you never know, you might like it.
Really what I guess I am saying is that you shouldn't let fear rule you, you have to believe in yourself enough to just do it. We are all different and unique. We all have something to offer that is so amazing that no one else can offer, or at least not in the same way. Open yourself up to the experience and let someone touch you in ways that are unknown. Trust me that guy or girl across the room is just as scared as you are to make the first contact, but if neither one does, wow you just don't know what you are missing out on! In short I hope you dance that incredible dance, that you find the music that blends and moves so magically with your own that you float through life with your heart full of melody. Sing loud and strong, who cares if you are off key, and dance, even if you look like Elaine. Find the joy in your voice and then share it.
I can not count how often I hear men and women who are single ask how they are to approach one another, how to talk to one another. Seems like a ridiculous thing because you would think it would be simple. Yet there seems to be a wall that is so solid however invisible it is. You see someone of the opposite sex that caches your eye from across the room, and the thought of approaching that persons scares the daylights out of you. Why is that and what finally gives you the courage to walk over there and say anything?
I know that we are afraid of rejection and afraid of hurt, maybe also the fear of the unknown stops us. I think, however, that in so many ways were are really the same or at the very least are searching for the same things. Ideally that is. I think that many of us just want to find someone that will be there, someone that wants to be with us, to listen, to talk, heck just to lay with. We need to feel close to another person, to have a bond with someone. We want someone to walk through life with all its sorrows, trials and joys with, to share the great times and to share the burdens.
Sure our ideas on things may be a little different, and our interests may be very different in some respects, but really the things we want and need really are not that far off. Don't our differences make us unique, special and so very interesting. Think about this... After the initial attraction to someone what holds your interest and desire of that person? I know for me it is that persons mind and most importantly their heart. The little things strike me to the core. Things that I may describe as sweet or may make me look a little differently at things. Our differences make others think about things and help them to see things from a different angle. How boring would life be if we all had the same views and thoughts and feelings on things. We should celebrate our differences and not be so fearful of the rejection of other people.
As far as how to approach someone that makes you do that double take, well I hear so often that people just don't know what to say. What about a smile and a warm hello. How hard is it really to talk to one another. I understand the whole giddiness that we feel when you see someone that tickles your fancy, but really if you don't talk to them then you will always wonder. Fear rules so much of our lives, sometimes with good reason, but more often than not the reasons are just things we have invented to avoid having the confidence in ourselves, or to step out of the comfy cocoon we have wrapped ourselves in. You know that person won't bite and hey if they do you never know, you might like it.
Really what I guess I am saying is that you shouldn't let fear rule you, you have to believe in yourself enough to just do it. We are all different and unique. We all have something to offer that is so amazing that no one else can offer, or at least not in the same way. Open yourself up to the experience and let someone touch you in ways that are unknown. Trust me that guy or girl across the room is just as scared as you are to make the first contact, but if neither one does, wow you just don't know what you are missing out on! In short I hope you dance that incredible dance, that you find the music that blends and moves so magically with your own that you float through life with your heart full of melody. Sing loud and strong, who cares if you are off key, and dance, even if you look like Elaine. Find the joy in your voice and then share it.
Monday, June 4, 2007
A kiss is just a Kiss...
A kiss is just a kiss until you kiss someone that touches your heart as well as your libido.
It is pretty amazing what a kiss can do to you. Really! Think about it. The feel of your lovers lips pressed to yours, it sends your thoughts kind of all over the place doesn't it. There are so many different kisses too and they all evoke different feelings and thoughts. From the quick light kiss that says I love you or at least like you or hey gotta run super busy right, catch ya later baby. To my personal favorite the long slowly gentle kiss that lingers, explores, turns up the heat and says so many good things, leaves you wanting more of that and then some. Sometimes you think the first kiss is the most exciting but that's not always the case. If the person you are with kisses you that way each time your lips meet, no matter what type of kiss it is, wow that is something great. If that changes though it really makes you wonder why and you had better start looking at what happened to change things.
I am a fan of the kisses that play over the surface of your skin, grazing every so softly. They get your attention and leave a trail of fire in their wake. Funny how something so soft and the gentle caress of hot breath can give one such goose bumps you would think it was 30 below to see them. That kind of kiss wakes your whole body up and has it standing at attention. Is it any wonder I'm a fan! Yes indeed. So the the kind of connection you have with your partner really has an impact on the way they kiss you. And really a kiss is so very important, I would say the number one thing on the books after the initial I'm attracted to you kind of deal. Don't believe me? Try kissing someone that really doesn't know how to kiss, or is far too eager (as in ram their tongue down your throat eager), or whimpers like a puppy. It really turns you off quick, I'm talking I'm an ice cube at the North Pole in a split second thing here. It makes no difference how hot the person is or how much you want get them nekkid, if they can't kiss you might as well be smooching raw liver. Not so yummy. So the first kiss may be the most important, because it leaves you wanting more of that and then some, but remember those kiss will always keep them coming back for more. And it makes for really awesome dreams too ;)
It is pretty amazing what a kiss can do to you. Really! Think about it. The feel of your lovers lips pressed to yours, it sends your thoughts kind of all over the place doesn't it. There are so many different kisses too and they all evoke different feelings and thoughts. From the quick light kiss that says I love you or at least like you or hey gotta run super busy right, catch ya later baby. To my personal favorite the long slowly gentle kiss that lingers, explores, turns up the heat and says so many good things, leaves you wanting more of that and then some. Sometimes you think the first kiss is the most exciting but that's not always the case. If the person you are with kisses you that way each time your lips meet, no matter what type of kiss it is, wow that is something great. If that changes though it really makes you wonder why and you had better start looking at what happened to change things.
I am a fan of the kisses that play over the surface of your skin, grazing every so softly. They get your attention and leave a trail of fire in their wake. Funny how something so soft and the gentle caress of hot breath can give one such goose bumps you would think it was 30 below to see them. That kind of kiss wakes your whole body up and has it standing at attention. Is it any wonder I'm a fan! Yes indeed. So the the kind of connection you have with your partner really has an impact on the way they kiss you. And really a kiss is so very important, I would say the number one thing on the books after the initial I'm attracted to you kind of deal. Don't believe me? Try kissing someone that really doesn't know how to kiss, or is far too eager (as in ram their tongue down your throat eager), or whimpers like a puppy. It really turns you off quick, I'm talking I'm an ice cube at the North Pole in a split second thing here. It makes no difference how hot the person is or how much you want get them nekkid, if they can't kiss you might as well be smooching raw liver. Not so yummy. So the first kiss may be the most important, because it leaves you wanting more of that and then some, but remember those kiss will always keep them coming back for more. And it makes for really awesome dreams too ;)
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Magic
I love books. I have spent countless hours reading, totally engrossed in the story written in ink on those many pages. Our lives are like a story lived out instead of written down on the pages of a book. We often think our lives are boring or average. No great adventures, not filled with danger or some great love story or steamy rampant affair, nothing special. I tend to disagree with that perception though.
Each day is a new fresh page, you never know what twists and turns your story will take. What adventures are in store for you around the next corner. Take a closer look at what think is average or boring. Everything you come in contact with becomes part of your story, even if it is for a brief moment, it is all magical and unique. When friends ask me what I am doing I usually say 'nuttin'! In fact that is not entirely true.
Any number of things are going on around us, if we take the time to really appreciate them and see them. For example, look and really listen to the birds and everything else around you the next time you go veg out in your back yard. How amazing they are. Flying around from tree to tree, hopping around on their little legs on the ground, singing their unique symphony to us free of charge. Watch the wind blowing through the leaves on the trees, caressing our skin and gently running its 'finger' through our hair. So many amazing things that go on in our stories that we scarcely even notice.
I love watching my kids play together. They make adventures and stories and act them out as they play. As we grow I think we forget how to play and let our minds free of inhibition to create things, inspired by all that surrounds us. Like a day dream. Why is it that so many adults have such a hard time playing and letting go? What happened as our stories unfold that makes that so hard to do? Each second of our lives are an adventure, each thing we see and do is never the same, always fresh, always a new angle. Yet we always seem to seek to spice things up.
Perhaps that is one of the reasons people cheat on each their significant other, or look for someone new. We forget to look at the amazing person laying there beside us. Appreciate each day how they change, how they think and express themselves. We forget to tell them how magical they are. We forget to be open to how we feel and to what we see. We forget to see the things we fell in love with, what we felt when it was new and fresh. The excitement of looking at them, touching them, listening to their heart beat or the sound of their breathing.
It's time to open your mind and your eyes and to look at all the amazing and magical things around you, all the things that touch your story and make it what it is.
Each day is a new fresh page, you never know what twists and turns your story will take. What adventures are in store for you around the next corner. Take a closer look at what think is average or boring. Everything you come in contact with becomes part of your story, even if it is for a brief moment, it is all magical and unique. When friends ask me what I am doing I usually say 'nuttin'! In fact that is not entirely true.
Any number of things are going on around us, if we take the time to really appreciate them and see them. For example, look and really listen to the birds and everything else around you the next time you go veg out in your back yard. How amazing they are. Flying around from tree to tree, hopping around on their little legs on the ground, singing their unique symphony to us free of charge. Watch the wind blowing through the leaves on the trees, caressing our skin and gently running its 'finger' through our hair. So many amazing things that go on in our stories that we scarcely even notice.
I love watching my kids play together. They make adventures and stories and act them out as they play. As we grow I think we forget how to play and let our minds free of inhibition to create things, inspired by all that surrounds us. Like a day dream. Why is it that so many adults have such a hard time playing and letting go? What happened as our stories unfold that makes that so hard to do? Each second of our lives are an adventure, each thing we see and do is never the same, always fresh, always a new angle. Yet we always seem to seek to spice things up.
Perhaps that is one of the reasons people cheat on each their significant other, or look for someone new. We forget to look at the amazing person laying there beside us. Appreciate each day how they change, how they think and express themselves. We forget to tell them how magical they are. We forget to be open to how we feel and to what we see. We forget to see the things we fell in love with, what we felt when it was new and fresh. The excitement of looking at them, touching them, listening to their heart beat or the sound of their breathing.
It's time to open your mind and your eyes and to look at all the amazing and magical things around you, all the things that touch your story and make it what it is.
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