I wish that for a moment I could look through your eyes. To see what it is you perceive when you look at me. Is it remotely the same as what I view when I gaze into the mirror? What fantasies would you show me if I could get behind your eyes.
Self esteem is such a bitter sweet wikked little thing for some of us. It can be a positive and uplifting sense of self, it can be so-so sort of half way between, or it can beat you down to the depths of despair.
Pause for a moment and think about what you see when you look at your reflection. What looks back you? Is it any ting at all like what I see when I look at you?
WARNING: This is about to get very personal so if that makes you squeamish, go no further reading this.
As I peer at myself in that full length mirror stuck to the back of the door, I scrutinize from head to toe the image staring back at me. This is what I see...
My hair is a little lighter than what God gave me, but hey it works. I like it though I wish I hadn't cut it off about a year and a half ago. I like it even though some days it just won't co-operate. My gaze shifts to my face and all the features there upon it. I think "Hmmm waxing those 'Brook Shields' like eyebrows has been both good and bad." On one hand it has opened up my eyes more but the up keep sucks. Even so they are ok.My peepers themselves I can say I really love. That really is saying something because they are one of the few things I can say I wouldn't ever want to change. They are unique and change a little from day to day. My nose is a nose, nothing special except only to me because well it is how I smell everything (though sometimes I wish that was optional!) My lips come next, can't say I would alter those if I had the choice. I am happy with them and I think they are happy with me. My chin is a chin, we all have one. My skin however is another story. It fits over my body like a glove, blankets me with warmth and safety. Yet it is cruel at the same time. The color and tone is good, its me, but the blemishes, the broken capillaries make me want to cry. Since when does a woman my age have skin like this? Breakouts from stress make me feel lumpier than the Elephant Man, the redness is like a neon sign blinking "Look at me!", its just gross. Many days go by where I wish I could put a bag over my head. My pores in spots are too big and need that shrink ray from 'Honey I Shrunk the Kids'. Wrinkles are ok, they don't bother me. Most of them are from laughing, yes even the ones around my eyes. I have earned them and I have grown fond of them. My skin stabs at my self worth, slashing gaping holes deep into it. Now my face as a whole I think is quite plain. I don't think I'm pretty at all, not ugly either, just ok, non-descript except on days I feel ghoulish (which seems to be more frequently lately- damn skin).
So on I move before I get too down hearted...
My shoulders have good shape, though my shoulder caps need some work. My arms I like, actually I am quite proud of them (except those triceps that need to to with the program). My hands are fine except the have been abused by my work and look older than they are. My back I can't see really, but the parts I can see are just fine, nothing mind blowing. My chest well ugg! Pre-children it was ok, now however another knife slashing great deep wounds in my self worth. My chest is not womanly, with the exception of a great selection of bras that I own. The thought of being nekkid in front of someone leaves me feeling sick. Enough said! My abs are hiding under a layer of fat. Really its not that bad, I have just been a little lax in my workouts so things are a little soft, but then again women should be soft right. No I don't think I'm fat or anything like that nor do I want that ripped six pack look, so all in all I am alright with my abs. I guess next would be my rear end. Its good, I have worked hard to get it to where it is, which I think is above average. My legs hmmm. Too short, my thighs are a little bigger than what I would like. Having said that however, with the work I do the muscle I have developed is necessary so its all good, it just makes buying pants a little harder. Ok now again the damn skin screws things up. Little bumps here and there, spider veins from being pregnant, my legs are whiter than white and my arms are well tanned. Sometimes I look and think holy crap that's not cellulite is it!! But no it isn't just tricks of the light playing on my so far from perfect skin.
Now its safe to say I picked my title perfectly- Plain Jane Strikes Again indeed works and fits like a glove.
I wish that I could look through your eyes to see what you see when you look at me. To see truly what you see, yes I could just ask but you may just tell me what you think I want to hear. You may just want to spare my feelings and tell little whites lies. So yes I really do wish I could climb in there and see what you see. I want to know what I appear to be in your eyes.
Self esteem is such a bitter sweet wikked little thing for some of us. It can be a positive and uplifting sense of self, it can be so-so sort of half way between, or it can beat you down to the depths of despair.
Pause for a moment and think about what you see when you look at your reflection. What looks back you? Is it any ting at all like what I see when I look at you?
WARNING: This is about to get very personal so if that makes you squeamish, go no further reading this.
As I peer at myself in that full length mirror stuck to the back of the door, I scrutinize from head to toe the image staring back at me. This is what I see...
My hair is a little lighter than what God gave me, but hey it works. I like it though I wish I hadn't cut it off about a year and a half ago. I like it even though some days it just won't co-operate. My gaze shifts to my face and all the features there upon it. I think "Hmmm waxing those 'Brook Shields' like eyebrows has been both good and bad." On one hand it has opened up my eyes more but the up keep sucks. Even so they are ok.My peepers themselves I can say I really love. That really is saying something because they are one of the few things I can say I wouldn't ever want to change. They are unique and change a little from day to day. My nose is a nose, nothing special except only to me because well it is how I smell everything (though sometimes I wish that was optional!) My lips come next, can't say I would alter those if I had the choice. I am happy with them and I think they are happy with me. My chin is a chin, we all have one. My skin however is another story. It fits over my body like a glove, blankets me with warmth and safety. Yet it is cruel at the same time. The color and tone is good, its me, but the blemishes, the broken capillaries make me want to cry. Since when does a woman my age have skin like this? Breakouts from stress make me feel lumpier than the Elephant Man, the redness is like a neon sign blinking "Look at me!", its just gross. Many days go by where I wish I could put a bag over my head. My pores in spots are too big and need that shrink ray from 'Honey I Shrunk the Kids'. Wrinkles are ok, they don't bother me. Most of them are from laughing, yes even the ones around my eyes. I have earned them and I have grown fond of them. My skin stabs at my self worth, slashing gaping holes deep into it. Now my face as a whole I think is quite plain. I don't think I'm pretty at all, not ugly either, just ok, non-descript except on days I feel ghoulish (which seems to be more frequently lately- damn skin).
So on I move before I get too down hearted...
My shoulders have good shape, though my shoulder caps need some work. My arms I like, actually I am quite proud of them (except those triceps that need to to with the program). My hands are fine except the have been abused by my work and look older than they are. My back I can't see really, but the parts I can see are just fine, nothing mind blowing. My chest well ugg! Pre-children it was ok, now however another knife slashing great deep wounds in my self worth. My chest is not womanly, with the exception of a great selection of bras that I own. The thought of being nekkid in front of someone leaves me feeling sick. Enough said! My abs are hiding under a layer of fat. Really its not that bad, I have just been a little lax in my workouts so things are a little soft, but then again women should be soft right. No I don't think I'm fat or anything like that nor do I want that ripped six pack look, so all in all I am alright with my abs. I guess next would be my rear end. Its good, I have worked hard to get it to where it is, which I think is above average. My legs hmmm. Too short, my thighs are a little bigger than what I would like. Having said that however, with the work I do the muscle I have developed is necessary so its all good, it just makes buying pants a little harder. Ok now again the damn skin screws things up. Little bumps here and there, spider veins from being pregnant, my legs are whiter than white and my arms are well tanned. Sometimes I look and think holy crap that's not cellulite is it!! But no it isn't just tricks of the light playing on my so far from perfect skin.
Now its safe to say I picked my title perfectly- Plain Jane Strikes Again indeed works and fits like a glove.
I wish that I could look through your eyes to see what you see when you look at me. To see truly what you see, yes I could just ask but you may just tell me what you think I want to hear. You may just want to spare my feelings and tell little whites lies. So yes I really do wish I could climb in there and see what you see. I want to know what I appear to be in your eyes.
2 comments:
I see a woman who despite being through some unsettling experiences strives on doing the best for herself and her family. I see those eyes that pulled me in to find out more of what was behind them, that let me hear a voice that helped me through tough times and laughter that made me smile. I see a smile that tells me I'm ok in spite of my shortcomings. I see a heart that is yearning to find that real love, and I pray that you do.
I see my friend.
Physical:
Anyone that doesn't see external beauty in you is an idiot. You're attractive from the neck up, and pretty astounding from the neck down. You're hot.
Personality:
You've got a gritty edge that speaks of experience, wisdom, and maturity. You express yourself as delicate and feminine, but have an underlying quality that makes it obvious that you're willing to take what won't be given. Provide, and do what must be done regardless of the cost.
You seem unwilling to give yourself credit for the accomplishment and success that you achieve because you think that you should do better or more. You don't seem willing to believe that yes you *are* a beauty or you deserve credit for your perseverance.
You are more than worthy of respect and friendship. If anything ever happened to the Mrs. (god forbid) there'd be some moves being made. :D
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